Well, as I'm sure you can guess by the title I'm having a baby! It is still so surreal writing that and I don't think that I've actually gotten my head around it yet. It's funny because I always thought that when I got pregnant I would be so 'grown-up', probably married and living in my dream home. I would be overjoyed and content and naturally, I would document every step of the amazing journey with cute bump shots of me looking like a goddess with my pregnancy glow...
Instead here I am at 19 weeks writing about it for the first time in my bedroom at my parent's house, having only taken two bump shots so far because, lets be honest, it just looks like I've been a bit generous with the Nutella lately... I'm in limbo at the moment, I can't wear normal clothes on my bottom half without feeling like my blood supply is being cut off but people are more likely to sing who ate all the pies? at me rather than ask when I'm due. My emotions aren't any better, I'm ok most of the time but I've had some very strange outbursts of emotion... I'm never normally an angry or confrontational person but I have had some serious cases of rage and frustration over the past four months that often results in sudden outbursts of uncontrollable crying over nothing in particular most of the time. On the other hand I've also had uncontrollable fits of laughter, we're talking belly laughs, eyes streaming and unattractively snorting and again over nothing in particular but very embarrassing when you're in the middle of a family meal in a very public place. Billy and my family have definitely had their work cut out for them over the last few months.
I've always been a very maternal person, I tried to mother other children when I was only a baby myself and when my sister came along when I was three years old, I would stand proudly and tell anyone that would listen about my new baby. Poor Keeley got treated like my new doll...
I've always wanted to be a Mum and I've always imagined what it would be like when I found out. Of course I would be overjoyed and would think of some exciting and creative way to tell the father and our families. However, in reality I sat and I sobbed. Looking back it feels really silly that, that was my reaction seeing as I'd finally gotten what I'd always wanted and it wasn't that I was sad, it was just such a huge shock. It took me until our early scan at 6 weeks, 2 weeks after I found out, to get my head around it and I found those two weeks really hard because not many people talk about feeling down or having any negative emotions when they find out unless it's because they are unhappy about it, which I wasn't.
Since those two lines appeared, I have loved this little Jellybean of mine and I have always been happy about being pregnant however I'm a very anxious person, a huge worrier and I find change very difficult to deal with and I think I needed time to actually accept what was happening. I was very confused the first couple of weeks and got very emotional because I didn't feel like I could tell people how I was feeling without them thinking that I was unhappy about the pregnancy. I just didn't feel like people would understand and I felt guilty for feeling so negative and worrying.
If you're going through the same/similar feelings early in your pregnancy, don't worry you're not alone and talking to people does really help. Having a baby is a big change and it takes some people longer to adjust. I'm now 19 weeks and so, so happy, I can't wait to see our little Jellybean again next week and find out whether we are having a boy or girl. I still get emotional from time to time and worry about things but it's natural to, especially when you're going through such a big thing for the first time.
I can't wait to document everything along the way and be able to look back on this new journey that is starting!
Hayley x
